I don't know what I'm doing. Not a wife, not as a mom, not as a friend, not as a neighbor, not as an artist or a businesswoman, and not as a 40-something woman on the planet.
I sometimes THINK I know what I'm doing, but it always, always, always turns out that I really don't. Even if I find myself in a very similar situation to one in the past, and I think I know (based on that experience) what to do NOW, the new situation turns out to be a different and unique situation after all, so my old solution is outdated and no good. Back to the drawing board. I couldn't possibly tally up all the times in the past month I've thought to myself, "Well, THAT didn't work this time! Now what?"
Oops. :)
For a girl who likes to know exactly what the outcome will be BEFORE committing myself to a course of action, this "not knowing" business can be a little exasperating. It seems unsafe... mostly because I like to look good, I confess. I don't care about being right nearly as much as I like other people to think I know what I'm doing. Sometimes I miraculously pull off a chance "look-like-I-know-exactly-what-I'm-doing" moment, and people are impressed. It's awesome when they say, "I wish I had done that!" or "You always know the right thing to do/say."
I love that!
And in the back of my mind, I'm always a little afraid they'll find out it was an accident. :)
This morning, when something didn't go the way I thought it would go, and I didn't automatically freak out, I asked myself why I was so calm. Historically speaking, I should be having a panic attack right about now, but I'm not. That's when I noticed that I have finally accepted that I can't possibly know how things are going to go. I know that the only thing that's predictable about the future is that the future will most certainly be unpredictable. Am I always going to love that uncertainty? No, of course not! But I also know that a little unpredictability is not going to kill me.
At least, it hasn't yet!
Here's the best thing about that little epiphany:
My life... mistakes, accidents, miracles and all... would be a lot less fun and exciting if I knew what I was doing! It would be boring, predictable, and uninteresting. It would never surprise me, and I LOVE surprises! I would never learn anything new, and I LOVE to learn new things! The present and the future are exactly as they should be... fresh... new... and NOBODY knows what they're doing, because NOBODY has been here before!
So there you have it.
I don't know what I'm doing,
and I'm totally okay with that.
