Thursday's Thoughts

I have one major, overriding complaint this week... TIME! I don't know what happens to my time. I feel like I'm busy all day long, but at the end of the day I look around and don't see any progress. My husband is too sweet to ever ask the age-old question, and he doesn't even have to. Every night as I make one last pass through the house, checking on the kids and locking up, I'm thinking to myself, "What in the world did I do all day?" I do a lot of running around, picking up, parenting, fixing, communicating, errand running, and so on. There just isn't any obvious proof of all my active busyness. I have read books on time management, taken courses on organization, made countless lists of goals and intentions... but at the end of every day it's always the same. My house is a cluttered mess, my schedule is as scattered as my thoughts, and my short-term memory is... what was it I was going to say about my memory...?

I know that the way I talk to myself about the state of my house and my schedule isn't helping. I beat myself up about constantly. I call myself names. I lament, even. "I'm so far behind that I'll never catch up," is a common (albeit dramatic) theme for me. Given that I have convinced myself I'm so far behind that I'll never catch up, I suppose that on some level I have just plain quit the game. What's the point, right? Not a very powerful way to look at the issue. The coach in me is appalled!

"I never do anything right" or "I'm a pathetic excuse for a wife and a mom" sneak in there all time, because I'm not just forgetting trivial stuff... I forget major stuff! I forgot to register my son for school. I forgot to request a copy of my daughter's birth certificate. I forgot to tell my friend (with whom my husband was on a date when I met him) that we actually got married... almost three years ago. We're talking MAJOR dropped balls here. And then there are the minor things... I never take clothes to the cleaners anymore, because I never remember to pick them up.

I want a beautiful home (mine looks like the houses they tear down on Extreme Makeover Home Edition). I want an organized schedule (that isn't written down on four-thousand sticky notes all over the place). I want INTEGRITY (I said I would do it, and I actually DO IT!). I want ALL of that, but at the end of the day, I fall back into bed, frustrated and exhausted and not a single step ahead of where I was twenty-four hours earlier. I'm chasing my tail.


I think it all goes back to what I said last Thursday about COMMITMENT, and my seminar leader's assertion, "Whatever you have right now, THAT'S what you're committed to! If you were committed to something else, you'd HAVE something else!" I have to ask myself, "What am I really committed to?" If I were committed to having a clean house, I'd have one. That makes perfect logical sense to me. If I were committed to maintaining a schedule that works for my entire family, I'd have one, and I believe I'd find myself with time to spare. If I were committed to remembering things, big and small, I WOULD. (I never forget to make the house payment on time... interesting...) Saying I'm committed will never make a difference if I'm not taking actions consistent with what I say I'm committed to.

There's something else that has just occurred to me as a contributing factor. I'm LOUSY at asking for help. I would rather DIE than ask a friend to come and help me. People have offered to help in the past, but I've turned them down so often that nobody asks anymore. I won't even ask for advice, or hints, or tips. Nada. I'm too embarrassed. I once compared myself to a china doll that's been dropped on it's head a dozen times... I need to be moving fast enough, so that no one will notice the cracks; if I move too fast for too long, I'm certain to fall to pieces. The bottom line is I don't want anyone to know I don't have it all together.

This is the issue I'll be tackling with my coach tomorrow (having already forgotten to call him twice this week). I let you know how it goes. I'm nervous. A little Super Glue before the call might not be a bad idea. :)

In closing, I'm going to steal a page from Danielle LaPorte, a fabulous rock star of a self-realization guru whom I admire very much. Here's what I'm LOVING this Thursday:

1. That I'm coachable.

2. That my sixteen year old son is an improvisational wizard of a comedian! He cracks me up at least a dozen times a day!

3. That when I get home from my weekend out of town, my baby sister will be back up from Down Under, visiting at my parents house!

4. White Hot Truth and The Happiness Project. Evocative. Difference making. Inspiring. I can't go a day without reading them anymore.

5. I just received the title to the very first car that I have ever bought and paid for on my own... and, in five years, I never once made a late payment!

6. YouCanMakeThis.com. If I don't know how to make it, somebody here will show me.

7. My new hair color... Dark Auburn. It's the first time I have ever put permanent color on my hair. It's been a week for firsts! I should probably mention that dyeing my hair Dark Auburn has not prevented me from continuing to have frequent blonde moments. :)

8. My fifteen year old son's cat, Mango, has finally (after 2 years) decided I'm cool. We had a nice, long coze as he sat on my lap in the studio today. Naturally, I did all the talking; he's a great listener!

9. Low Fat, Sugar Free Creamsicles. There IS a God!

10. That I said I would update my blog on Thursday, and I have done! Complete integrity, here I come!