I don't know what I'm doing. Not a wife, not as a mom, not as a friend, not as a neighbor, not as an artist or a businesswoman, and not as a 40-something woman on the planet.
I sometimes THINK I know what I'm doing, but it always, always, always turns out that I really don't. Even if I find myself in a very similar situation to one in the past, and I think I know (based on that experience) what to do NOW, the new situation turns out to be a different and unique situation after all, so my old solution is outdated and no good. Back to the drawing board. I couldn't possibly tally up all the times in the past month I've thought to myself, "Well, THAT didn't work this time! Now what?"
Oops. :)
For a girl who likes to know exactly what the outcome will be BEFORE committing myself to a course of action, this "not knowing" business can be a little exasperating. It seems unsafe... mostly because I like to look good, I confess. I don't care about being right nearly as much as I like other people to think I know what I'm doing. Sometimes I miraculously pull off a chance "look-like-I-know-exactly-what-I'm-doing" moment, and people are impressed. It's awesome when they say, "I wish I had done that!" or "You always know the right thing to do/say." I love that!
And in the back of my mind, I'm always a little afraid they'll find out it was an accident. :)
This morning, when something didn't go the way I thought it would go, and I didn't automatically freak out, I asked myself why I was so calm. Historically speaking, I should be having a panic attack right about now, but I'm not. That's when I noticed that I have finally accepted that I can't possibly know how things are going to go. I know that the only thing that's predictable about the future is that the future will most certainly be unpredictable. Am I always going to love that uncertainty? No, of course not! But I also know that a little unpredictability is not going to kill me. At least, it hasn't yet!
Here's the best thing about that little epiphany:
My life... mistakes, accidents, miracles and all... would be a lot less fun and exciting if I knew what I was doing! It would be boring, predictable, and uninteresting. It would never surprise me, and I LOVE surprises! I would never learn anything new, and I LOVE to learn new things! The present and the future are exactly as they should be... fresh... new... and NOBODY knows what they're doing, because NOBODY has been here before!
And it's right in my front yard! Hanging this feeder outside my studio window is one of the sweetest things my awesome husband ever did for me! I get hours of fun out of watching and listening to the near-constant crowd of birds of all description.
The simplest pleasures really are the greatest.
Because our area received a thick blanket of snow last night, our little feeding station and bird bath were particularly popular this morning!
Don't be scared... I know you're in shock! You never expected to see me here again, and now you're concerned that the entire Universe may be (at worst) imploding, or (at best) slightly off-kilter. It's all going to be okay. (Breathe!) I'll keep this short and sweet, so as not to over-excite you, or cause permanent psychological damage. All I really wanted to say is...
Due to my personal belief that under normal circumstances you would never behave in such a reckless manner as you have done today, I am now convinced that you must have forgotten to tear the past two or three months off your calendar at home. It's a common mistake; one I myself have made from time to time. That being the case, I thought perhaps you might appreciate, as I believe any person of great responsibility such as yourself would, a gentle reminder of the date.
IT'S APRIL 15TH!!!
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF SPRING BREAK!!!
Why, then, one has to ask, is it SNOWING LIKE CRAZY?!?!?!
Please cease and desist from the distribution of this unseasonable snow immediately, and return us to our regularly scheduled spring forthwith. Thank you for your cooperation.
* First of all, that today is the first official day of SPRING, and this morning the big tree in my front yard did THIS! ------------>
* Mocha Latte Freezes at Costco. That's right... Costco. If you love the taste of coffee (like I do) you should pick one up sometime! Mmmmm... delicious! And for $1.25, it's the cheapest coffee treat in town.
* Everything is Amazing, and Nobody's Happy. I laughed and laughed when I saw this, because comedian Louis CK is talking about MY childhood! My kids are so spoiled, and they don't even know it! So hysterically funny, because it's so very true...
* Zen Habits. "The Power of Less. Do Less. Get More Done." Insightful, inspiring articles on every aspect of life that you could imagine. Start here, and ENJOY!
* Dominique. I adore her! She is the oldest of our four daughters (and the oldest of Jon's four children). In the years since I have known her, I have watched Dominique grow from a cute little girl into a beautiful young woman of 12. She is brilliant (an honor student), responsible, playful, generous (loves to give to and serve others), and so talented! We have so much fun together... shopping, crafting, camping, talking... whatever we're doing, I absolutely LOVE to hang out with her! (Check out this 9-minute video that she and I made for her Spanish class last weekend! She did such an awesome job!) I cherish our affectionate relationship, and I am so deeply honored to be her stepmother. Love you, Nikki!!! Love you, love you, love you!!!
* SAVERS. I LOVE finding a bargain, and Savers is the ultimate bargain hunter's paradise! I know what you're thinking... thrift stores can be nasty. Is it messy? Honestly... yeah, kind of. Does it smell funny in there? Sure, a little. Is it mostly junk? Absolutely. But, there are hidden treasures lurking everywhere in there! Some of my favorite finds: a pair of sexy Mark Jacobs shoes without a single scratch or scuff mark, a BCBG denim mini for Emilie (with the TAGS STILL ON IT), a Whirlpool Gold microwave (as good as brand-spankin'-new!), a Vera Bradley backpack, a gorgeous Donna Karan leather jacket for ME... I could go on and on! The best thing about Savers is that they have longstanding relationships with over 120 nonprofit organizations, and they pay every one of those organizations a percentage of every sale and every donation they receive. Even better, your money will stay in your community... each Savers store supports charities in their local area.
* Warm Vanilla Sugar Anything! I have never really liked vanilla scented things... for some reason they always remind me of Play-Doh. But THIS smells fantastic... subtle, rich, sexy, delicious... and Bath&Body Works makes it in everything from body soap to candles to moist hand towelettes. FABULOUS!
* Texty kids. When I gave my teenagers each their own phone two months ago, it was mostly because the phones were free, and I thought they would enjoy staying connected with their friends. I never imagined they would be voluntarily connecting with ME! I LOVE getting messages from my kids throughout the day! Sometimes it's a question, sometimes it's a funny story, sometimes it's an important news flash (like the pic Derek sent me of a quiz he aced), and sometimes it's just a hello. I feel much more a part of their day, and have realized how much they want me involved in what they're up to.
* SIGNS - One of my favorite YouTube finds EVER! A touching short film (part of the Schweppes Online Film Festival) created by advertising agency Publicis Mojo, and directed by New Zealand's own Patrick Hughes. The film stars Nick Russell (Neighbours) and Kestie Morassi (Satisfaction), both of whom display a wonderful range of facial expressions and emotions throughout a film which contains remarkably little dialogue. This lack of dialogue isn't the least bit distracting; in fact, it was the only approach that would have made sense. It underscores how disconnected we are from the people who surround us. We are, so often, completely alone in a crowd. The story occurs to me as more of a romantic comedy than anything else, but in it's 12 minutes it runs through a full gamut of emotional (and beautifully human) experiences, from loneliness and isolation, to curiosity and excitement, to disappointment, fear, and love...
Where do you find love? Sometimes all you need is a sign......
A good friend asked me, "So, about this 'life on fire' thing... is that like 'Wow! My life is ON FIRE! Awesome!' or is it like 'OH NO! My life is on fire! Somebody help me!'?" My answer... "Yes." It totally depends on the day, and the extent to which I am masterfully running my own life. On the days when I'm being creative, organized, passionate and powerful, my life is ON FIRE... and it's awesome! On the days when I'm being overwhelmed, tired, scattered, and hopeless, my life is ON FIRE... and somebody had better hose me down quick! That's the nature of being a human being, right? I do my best... or I don't. I get a result either way. Sometimes I do my best and don't get the result I wanted, which will very likely, I confess, leave me disinclined to try so hard the next time. Sometimes I'm lazy and sloppy, and a miracle happens anyway. I think God throws those moments in just to inspire me and keep the journey interesting. For what it’s worth, this is a record of my “journey”... my loved ones, my accomplishments, my failures, and my random musings. I hope it will make you smile sometimes... even if it’s just in an “I’m so glad I’m not her” kind of way! :o)
Due to my personal belief that under normal circumstances you would never behave in such a reckless manner as you have done today, I am now convinced that you must have forgotten to tear the past two or three months off your calendar at home. It's a common mistake; one I myself have made from time to time. That being the case, I thought perhaps you might appreciate, as I believe any person of great responsibility such as yourself would, a gentle reminder of the date.
* Dominique. 
* Warm Vanilla Sugar Anything! I have never really liked vanilla scented things... for some reason they always remind me of Play-Doh. But THIS smells fantastic... subtle, rich, sexy, delicious... and Bath&Body Works makes it in everything from body soap to candles to moist hand towelettes. FABULOUS!
* Texty kids. When I gave my teenagers each their own phone two months ago, it was mostly because the phones were free, and I thought they would enjoy staying connected with their friends. I never imagined they would be voluntarily connecting with ME! I LOVE getting messages from my kids throughout the day! Sometimes it's a question, sometimes it's a funny story, sometimes it's an important news flash (like the pic Derek sent me of a quiz he aced), and sometimes it's just a hello. I feel much more a part of their day, and have realized how much they want me involved in what they're up to. 
