Being With Time

Again and again someone in the crowd wakes up, he has no ground in the crowd, and he emerges according to much broader laws. He carries strange customs with him and demands room for bold gestures. The future speaks ruthlessly through him.

Rainer Maria Rilke


According to the agreements that we human beings have regarding TIME, I've officially been on the planet for forty years, and here I am; in that place where my philosophies on life collide head-on with the gray hairs I can no longer pretend I don't see in my bathroom mirror. They are both perfectly aware that they are expected to form some sort of mutual respect, although neither one of them is at all certain as to what ought to be done about the other. :)

I confess, I never imagined that aging would feel like this. I remember expecting excitement and change, disappointments and regrets, wrinkles and teen aged children, and a history at least as full of mistakes as victories.

I was right... about all of those, but I underestimated myself, too. I expected to feel middle-aged. What I didn't expect was to fall head-over-heels in love at thirty-six, or to feel vital and pretty rather than past my prime. I never expected to be, in spirit at least, as young as I ever was, or to discover a timelessness and an indestructibility about the part of me that is truly me.

I suppose I expected I would know everything I needed to know by now; to have mastered the art of living, and learning, and parenting, and good neighboring, and to have done it all better than my ancestors, and nearly as well as my personal heroes. I expected to have achieved a high level of enlightenment, perhaps even to have peaked in personal growth at the great age of forty, rather than to discover that I am still something less than half as mature or experienced as I ought to be before I dare refer to myself as wise.

There are things I'm starting to get right. I find my appreciation for simple things increasing, and I am, without a doubt, gentler and easier to please. I enjoy my children on a deeper level, and in a whole new way. I love people; I love to hear their stories and know who they are. I have a great respect for the talents of others, and a genuine admiration for the things that they are able to cause and create. I find peace in music, art, beauty and nature. I have a deeper awareness of the abundant blessings that are mine to enjoy, and I am truly grateful for them.

The older I get, the more my heart aches for the things in the world that I cannot help. The wars that make no sense, the orphans that have no one to love them, the parents who have no nourishment for their starving children, and those children themselves, who will never know a comfortable night in a warm bed with a full stomach. Poverty, prejudice, selfishness, ignorance, apathy, arrogance; things that barely crossed my radar as a child, are now profoundly NOT OK with me. My heart breaks, but I don't know what to do.

I have screwed up on a grand scale, and more than once. I have hurt people I love, probably much more often than I am even aware of. I have hurt some people to the extent that they have disappeared from my life, and I'm too embarrassed, or too afraid, to go looking for them. I have mismanaged the parenting of my children so badly at times that I wake up in the middle of the night with a head full of worries for their future, and a heart full of sadness for the pain and upset I have caused them. I have let precious moments slip away virtually unnoticed, moments that I ought to have cherished, and that I can never get back. I have made mistakes that to this day I have no idea how I will rectify, and I make mistakes still. Sometimes carelessly and, I will sheepishly admit, sometimes with malice aforethought. They all seem to come back to bite me; some just have more teeth than others.

So, as it turns out, even after forty years here I still have much to learn; it's a good thing then that I have discovered the freedom that an openness to the future's unlimited possibilities will provide. I know that my future is mine to create. I have witnessed over and over again proof of the power that we, as spirits with a divine nature, have to create with our word. I know I was created out of love, I know I am loved, and I trust the design of my life. It is designed exclusively for me, so how could it be anything but perfect?

I will still screw up, but I'm committed to being teachable... humble. I'm willing to be proven wrong. I'm not resigned; I'm accepting. I welcome more people into my life. I am love, power, passion, contribution and enchantment! I'm ready to be blown away... awed and amazed and inspired. I'm committed to making a difference. I'm open to having new adventures, being present in the moment and going with the flow. Life will show up however life shows up, but I get to design my experience of it. I know how to get lit up, and how to stay lit up. It's not easy, but it's simple, and I know that integrity is the access. I will be whom I will be, and I will love whom I will love, and I will create what I will create, and all just because I said so. This is my life, and I say it's on fire!

So, let's see what you've got, Forty. Bring it on. :)

The Gift of Sight

My birthday isn't until tomorrow, but Jon gave me an early present... quite possibly my favorite present ever! He literally gave me the gift of sight! NEW CONTACTS! I've been wearing an ancient (9 years old) pair of glasses for the last 6 months, and I can't believe the difference!

I can't imagine that people who have always had perfect vision can have as deep an appreciation for the blessing that excellent eyesight is, as we blind-as-a-bat-without-correction types do. Here's an example... and those of you who know me best know I am NOT exaggerating... I really am this blind without help!

This is how I see the world without corrective lenses...



And this is how it looks with my new contacts in!



I have to say that suddenly being able to see so clearly was a little disconcerting. We were in Costco when I emerged from the doctors office with my newly perfected peepers, and I can only describe that experience as a visual assault. Everything was in 3D. People weren't walking towards me, they were COMING AT ME! (and yes, I flinched!) There were colors and things and colorful things everywhere! Most of you were probably already aware of this, but I realized that day that Costco sells GAZILLIONS of products! And I could see every last one of them. I actually got dizzy... I had to hold on to Jon's arm for a minute until my brain settled down and decided it could manage the information overload after all. Then we stepped outside... poor brain!

You'll be pleased to know that I find you all much more beautiful than before... when you had fluffy edges and no facial features at all. It turns out that I have a stunningly gorgeous set of loved ones! Thank you, My Jon, for your thoughtful and truly amazing gift!!! I love and adore you a million times more than you will ever know!!!

Politics Without Policy

Winston Churchill, a great favorite of mine, once said, "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

This is not the post I logged in to write today - I'll get to that later. I was stopped in my tracks by something that my oldest son emailed to me... something that confirms a nagging doubt I've had, and hoped I would never find proof of. We are a complacent nation. Not only do we seldom know exactly what it is that we are doing, we rarely bother to educate ourselves before acting on our first ideas, all the while assuming that everything is going to work out fine no matter who ends up in charge. Regardless of who you voted for, this is appalling!

My Kingdom for Some CHEESE!

Who can eat like this? It's making me insane! No meat. No chocolate. No dairy. No cheese. NO JOY! How in the world do they expect a hormonally unstable woman to balance her life effectively without cheese? Are you kidding me??? Every time I want something to eat, I end up looking in the fridge, looking in the pantry, walking around in frustrated circles in the kitchen, and finally going to my room to scream into my pillows. It's a vastly unsatisfying process.

After a lifetime of comforting myself with milky, creamy, cheesy goodness, now I'm supposed to think of cheese like this:

It makes me so sad! I think I need some chocolate... DOH! Awwwww.....

Witches and Ninjas

I'm finally getting around to posting the Halloween pictures! The boys are getting too old for the trick-or-treating thing, so Jordan stayed home and Zack went to the mall with friends (dressed as a ninja of some kind). Jon (a mad doctor) and I (Mother Nature) took Derek (a comic book character he created himself) and Emmie (a funky witch) down to their Aunt Debi's house in Spanish Fork to spend Halloween with their cousins, Camryn, Chandler, and Cade. They have a fabulous neighborhood for trick-or-treating... lost of homes and zillions of kids! The weather was perfect! The girls even got a little over-heated. :) We had a great time and everybody got tons of candy!

I made Emmie's "funky witch" costume myself. She received dozens of compliments on it at school...




People kept asking Emmie if we had dyed her hair purple! She thought that was hilarious!



Emmie stayed to have a slumber party with Camryn, since we all had to be back in SF bright and early for the baptisms of Chandler and Cade! Debi said the girls were up chatterboxing half the night, which is exactly what we would expect from them. They're more like sisters than cousins, and they get along beautifully! It's fun to have Debi's family so much closer, so that we can all spend more time together!

Our Model Child

Okay, I took a shot at something else Allison introduced me to... Scrapblog! I know, it looks amateurish, but I only spent about 5 minutes on it, so.... :)

Most of our family and friends know by now that Emilie has been modeling for BowDacious Baby all summer. It's been tons of fun for us to work together (I'm the photographer) and she has earned about a million new bows. (She gets to keep everything she models) Jennifer (owner of BowDacious Baby) said that Emmie's feedback has been awesome! She's everyone's favorite model, and they have all raved about her hair! Doesn't she look GORGEOUS?!?!